A Bible study from the parable of the Prodigal Son. This study is for workers and families alike, who find themselves “co” or equal in need of help from the Great Intervener. These are they who are in a relationship with an addicted or controlling person, and have found that in helping this person, they also need help.
The purpose of this study is not to make our needs number one, but to make Jesus Christ number one in every area of our life. He, in turn, takes care of our needs (Matthew 6: 33).
by Rev. Jean Halvorson,
Pastor, Majesty Tabernacle
Minneapolis, Minnesota
September, 1992
Symptoms of Co-Dependency
Is Co-Dependency A Problem For You?
Check out some of the symptoms: Circle which ones represent you.
- Have problem facing conflict; think conflict is always bad, never good.
- Think you will always be the person in the wrong.
- Have problem relating to “normal” people.
- Decisions can be a serious threat to your “peace”.
- Lack of self-respect.
- Get nervous when you hear fighting. Almost cringe.
- Have a lack of trust in people. Do not trust people’s good words towards you – only believe negative. Do not trust other sex; question many peoples’ motives; have hard time trusting in Scriptures – can easily think God loves others more than you – think God wouldn’t have anything good for you.
- Procrastination is a problem.
- Get nervous around families, children of other people. Try to avoid talking about marriage, families.
- If someone else is having a problem, you wonder what YOU did wrong.
- You have fallen into other dependencies yourself: food, T.V., drugs, money, etc.
- Ever find yourself bailing someone out financially or emotionally – excuse behavior of other persons.
- Irresponsible with money.
- Have few real friends, if any.
- Always “feel” as though you are on the outside looking in. Everyone else’s life is less stressful than yours.
Maybe you see yourself vaguely or too vividly through these descriptions. Whatever the case, it is time to take the journey from being buried under this dependency to being resurrected in the victory of Jesus Christ. Yes, even Christians need victory from time to time.
This material has been compiled to serve in various modes: individual study, group study, Bible study resource and so forth.
I pray it will be a resource for you as you seek the guidance of the Lord in completing it.
I’m depending on Jesus,
Rev. Jean Halvorson
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Symptoms of Dependency
I. Introduction
II. But They Need Me
III. Am I More Involved Than I Should Be
IV. Financial and Environmental Control
V. What If I Feel I Should Rescue Again
VI. Natural Conclusions So Far
VII. Prepare Your Mind; Get Ahold of Your Own Life
VIII. Filling the Empty Spot
IX. Ready for Restoration; We Need The Lord
X. Back to Basics – God Needs Us
i. Copyright information
I. Introduction: Prepare Yourself.
A. For our purpose we will view this study in three aspects.
1. Their dependency upon me;
2. My dependency upon them;
3. My dependency upon God.
B. Preparations for study.
1. Read the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15: 11.
2. Reflecting on your relationship with a chemically dependent person or a dependent person of some sort, are you:
a. The patient father, source of money, “safety”, spouse, child observer?
b. The revengeful brother – “good” one who gets no strokes?
c. Countless “used” people of this dependent person?
3. Keeping in mind, take each question separately. Go at your own pace. Where individual verses are listed, go to Luke 15.
4. As you go along, write down how your attitudes are changing towards that dependent person, towards yourself and towards God. Keep a diary.
5. Be aware that feelings – anger, love, disapproval, guilt and others – may surface. Do not be afraid and not deny these feelings. The dependent person has you more concerned with his/her feelings, reactions, and so forth, so you must work on understanding and accepting your feelings.
6. Be completely honest with yourself and God. Be prepared also to be totally honest with the dependent person and any others.
7. Ask yourself these questions:
a. “Have I gone to counseling only because the OTHER person is the problem?”
b. “Have I ALLOWED the other person to remain dependent upon me?”
c. “Has my attitude towards this other person soured over the years?”
d. “Is this particular person a stumbling block in my relationship to the Lord or my endurance as a Christian?”
e. “Have I changed through trying to see them change?”
f. “Has the situation drained me of spiritual, emotional or even physical health?”
g. “Has the situation encompassed much of my thinking process?”
Remember that “co” means equal. You are equally involved.
C. Pray this prayer:
“Father, I am not a super human person. I can only take so much. This situation is out of control and it is affecting my life. Please open my eyes as to how I should change. Let not my energies be towards a perfect relationship with that person; rather, let my energies be channeled towards having the right relationship with him/her that You want me to have. I choose to let go of this dependency and open up my life for Your control, oh God. Nudge me, Lord, should I try to take back any control. I thank You that You will help me. I expect Your intervention. I NEED YOU. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.”
D. Read Psalm 39: 4-7 and Psalm 55: 22. Recognize that though you are in a relationship where you are purportedly the “strong one”, you are actually weakened through this.
E. Daily surrender this other person to the Lord.
II. “But THEY need me.” Who is really in control?
A. Relationship of the father and younger son.
1. The relationship has the potential to be a bad relationship. The father is strong and loving and the younger son could abuse.
2. What, in your opinion, makes for a bad relationship? Do you see any of those signs in any of your present or past relationships? (Take time with this question.)
3. Does there appear to be partiality on the part of the father towards either of his sons? How might this be viewed by each son?
B. General character of both sons.
1. Which one was more likely to cause trouble? How can you tell?
2. Which one is likely to be forgotten, in the sense that there is no “additional” attention given?
3. If you are a parent and if you have more than one child or you, yourself, have more than one sibling, do you spend more time trying to change the “bad” one, while ignoring the “good” one? How do you deal with diversity in your children or relative?
4. Both Isaac and Rebekah had favorite sons (Genesis 27). What type of behavior results from this and look ahead in Genesis to what it does to the sons, respectively.
5. Do you judge family or friends by a former spouse or person? You can tell if similar feelings surface.
C. Was there an unhealthy dependency?
1. Examine specifics of this type of dependency.
a. You become more aware of the other’s feelings, wants, etc., more than self-awareness.
b. You become approval seekers of those persons and lose your own identity in the process.
c. You are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. Avoids conflict and tends to minimize any problems associated with person.
d. You get guilt feelings when you stand up for yourself instead of giving in.
e. Stuff feelings, both good and bad.
2. As you study the story, do you see any of this in the life of the father?
3. From his actions, what do you know about him? That it is possible to be unaffected by a dependent person. How is this possible?
4. Do you see any of this in yourself?
5. An unhealthy dependency would have demanded that the father shield the son from danger.
a. Knowing the irresponsibility of the younger son, what did the father do with the money?
b. Would you have given the younger son the money?
c. The father knew what was best for his son. Do you know what is best for this dependency? (Each answer will vary.)
d. Have you shielded your loved one from the results of their misuse?
Check ones that most apply to you.
1) Excuse behavior away by saying, “He/she is weak, slow, has a bad home life. That is just his/her personality. He’s not really like that.” Read Luke 14: 16-24.
2) Blame self. “I did not do enough . . . If it wasn’t for me, they’d make it.” Read Ezekiel 18 regarding individual responsibility before God.
3) Try to motivate them through scolding, chiding, put downs. “You’ll never amount to anything.” This kind of “encouragement” backfires and he/she just might take you up on your message. Read Ephesians 6: 4. This will also increase your guilt because you do not want them to end up hopeless.
4) Become fed up and refuse to talk about anything anymore. You stop asking them to change. Hope is gone. This is a great place for God’s intervention.
5) You quit looking to anyone to cooperate. Your relationships and working with others are influenced by this. Begin to look to yourself totally. Develops a martyr complex. Can you see the digression? By shielding him/her, you are covering yourself with blame, guilt and hopelessness.
D. Final considerations.
1. Has your shielding helped them or hurt the situation? (It usually lengthens the process.) Read Proverbs 19: 11.
2. When we shield others from their responsibility, is it not really “we” who we are shielding, at least, in part?
a. Shielding ourselves from any type of immediate conflict.
b. Choose long-term rather than immediate action.
c. Is it hard for us to see that dependent person the way they really are?
d. Are we afraid of their anger, defensiveness, knowing that these feelings will be revealed when we change the rules?
E. Pray this prayer:
“Father, I have wrestled with this situation so long that my perspective is altered, I think. I want this person to see their error and start to live properly, but I might be shielding him/her from that by the way I am treating the situation. Is that possible? Is my help a hindrance? Am I really looking out for what suits me best, considering that I am taking the time with this person? God, help me to balance out my life, and if I am spending too much physical and emotional time considering this person, remind me that the are other people in existence. Also, remind me that You care for me, too. Help me discern if I am disregarding other Christian friends, family, my personal time with You, and so forth. Is this relationship a life-giving one, or is it a cancer in disguise: one bad “cell” eating up all good resources in the “good” and functional cells? Am I afraid to find out what is really happening? God, I need Your help and patience. I am wholly Yours. Thank you for loving me. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
F. Read Psalm 55: 18.
G. Daily surrender your actions to the Lord.
III. Am I more involved than I should be? I’m not sure, still.
A. Financial consideration.
1. Am I financially contributing to this person’s negligence? Is it another way of control?
2. What is my role? Check your natural response(s):
a. The Executrix – Refuse to give any money at all – controls totally.
b. The Counselor – Tries to talk son out of going – no need for money – controls thinking process.
c. The Caretaker – Reminds person that you will take care of him/her if they stay – controls environment and physical needs.
d. The Boxer – Argue with person – continually fight – back and forth situation and dependent person usually can tire you out.
e. The Banker – Give person a little, but not too much – certain types of interest pile up and you will draw up a big percentage with no return for yourself.
f. The Preacher – Preach at person – person will listen to Bible verses if it is followed with cash or recompense of any kind.
g. The Ejector – Kick person out with no money – you will feel guilty and person will probably return the following day to see if YOU changed.
h. The Deaf One – Ignore the request totally. You may, at this point, be ignoring much of the process and not hear them when they do become serious.
B. Treatment of other person. Do you:
1. Make comparisons between them and others (siblings, parents, friends, ex-spouses, etc.). Say: “Why can’t you be like your older brother?”
2. Use comparisons between their present and past behavior. Say: “Remember the way you USED to be?”
3. Do you:
a. Often put the other person down in public?
b. Treat person as a child? They will, in turn, respond that way.
c. Patronize person?
d. Talk ill of them to other people and then expect them to be accepted into your normal lifestyle? You have prejudged them before others.
4. Do you tend to be more aware of what the other person is doing, as opposed as to how YOU are reacting? Your behavior is your responsibility. Romans 14:12.
C. Certain indicators that reveal this:
You are:
1. Always trying to appease other person. The result: Compromise your values so they stay in a safe place. Rationalize by thinking they are better off. Are you better off? You end up hating yourself for compromise.
2. Trying to change them through your wonderful counsel. The result: you are constantly frustrated because you are trying so hard and they are not.
3. Going along with the game and saying nothing. The result: you build up hate and inwardly despise them and despise your own weakness. Outwardly, though, you appear fine. You are strong. You can handle ANYTHING.
4. Letting the situation get intolerable. The result: you don’t trust anything they say and they do not believe any of your threats. You become very irritable. You get physically and outwardly angry and the differences meet head on and a clash occurs. Both parties fend for themselves.
D. Why am I so involved?
1. Preliminary findings consider that fear keeps most dependencies alive.
2. The dependent person’s fear of responsibility; the co-dependents fear of losing a battle, failure, not doing enough.
3. At this point, face your fear. What will happen if you let go of that person? What might be the worst thing that could happen?
E. Pray this prayer:
“Father, I am deeper in this than I thought. I started out wanting to help this other person but now I am underneath it myself. Maybe I am keeping them as a child by the way I am treating them. Is that true? I really want the truth, Lord. I do not want You to say to me the things I am saying to him/her. Give me strength to face myself and my needs. Can I ever get unraveled from this this mess? I don’t think physical death is a good answer, though I feel that way, perhaps. Anyway, I give my concerns to You and am grateful that You are concerned for me. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
F. Read Proverbs 18: 18-19.
IV. Financial and environmental control.
A. The father gave the younger son the money as he requested, but he did it. It was money earmarked for the son and that was the last time.
1. How often have you given this person finances (especially in the cases of any kind of chemical abuse)?
2. Have you:
a. bailed them out of jail?
b. taken care of bills (only temporarily, of course)?
c. lied about payment to creditors (spouses especially)?
B. The sons’ respective lifestyles.
1. The boys did different things with their money.
2. One played it safe and the other one recklessly looked for other providers. The latter one did not provide for himself; he thrived on others’ supply.
3. Life is full of responsible and irresponsible people. Life has not dealt you a tough blow because of your current situation. It is reality.
4. Have you considered your situation unique? Think again.
C. Deal with this section if you are financially and emotionally “overdrawn” in this area.
1. Maybe something not as radical at first. Set a personal limit as to how many times you will help (less the best) and tell one person. It is important to be accountable to a non-involved person (friend, counselor, minister).
2. This is the time for your vows to be fulfilled. We never help anyone else if we are as undependable as they are. Our motive is not enough; our actions make the difference. Be accountable to that listener. Make good on your ultimatums or you are telling them that you are a liar. (Ecclesiastes 5: 4-5).
3. Never, never allow yourself to change your view because then you are deceiving yourself and the problem gets really set in.
4. Are you giving them a place to stay, retreat, hide, escape? Have they worn out their welcome? You are still financially helping them out. The prodigal’s father ended all of the games, excuses and prodding. He gave the son a one-way ticket to responsible living.
5. Allow the person to live their own lifestyle, to pay their own way, and thus, you are no longer the excuse for the person’s lifestyle.
a. “If I don’t help him/her, who will?” There are always more users.
b. If you continue you are merely reinforcing their bad habits. They have no need to change unless you let go.
c. Emotionally quit arguing, explaining and preaching and start fasting and praying.
6. Do not give them your savings account or holdings. Keep no money in the house while they are there. Try to sever as completely and precisely as possible. Leave no maybe’s.
7. Particularly consider eviction if their presence is making your “sanctuary” a volatile place.
a. Moral life is bad example – especially if you have other children present. Read 1 Corinthians 5: 1-5 for the story of the church discipline about a man’s moral behavior. Read carefully and prayerfully.
b. Any drug or alcohol consumption on premises.
c. Refusal to comply with rules of home (no help, only hurt).
d. Continual efforts to make things better for them are rejected.
e. Negative verbal exchanges are affecting you and your objectivity.
f. Especially for abused spouses, is there physical abuse? Get support. Tell someone. End the secret. Get a restraining order if danger is present. You leave if the other one won’t.
8. Use discretion when considering this and get counsel if necessary.
D. Can you let go emotionally, physically, financially?
1. Try putting the money you would use for this person in an account somewhere, or towards a ministry where lives are touched (a true investment in your situation). If married to the person, get a separate bank account.
2. Guard your personal feelings. Do not announce what you have done until it has, in fact, occurred. Otherwise, you will feel continually guilty and more frustrated if your “vows” are not fulfilled (Psalm 65:1). When we continue to talk about what we are “going” to do, we generally verbalize more than we actualize. In addition, that person may try to talk you out of it.
3. If necessary, use that “extra” room for a library, study, or some active use. “Empty” spaces will get used or misused, as in these cases.
E. Pray this prayer:
“Lord, can I really shut my life off from this individual? This seems so cruel, but I also know that at Calvary you had to leave Your disciples behind. They were dependent upon Your physical presence; thus, they thought they lost You. You knew that they would have to stand up themselves through the power of the Holy Spirit. I can leave this dependency behind as I go forward and trust Your Holy Spirit to help me. I also trust that the Holy Spirit is now working on this person. I know that resurrection power can take this deadened relationship into a living relationship as I surrender it to You. I will look to You as my help in these days. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
F. Scripture reading is: John 21: 18-23. With whose personal life is Jesus first concerned that we deal?
V. What if I feel I should rescue again?
A. In this story, the younger son had no one left to use (verse 16).
1. He had run out of all avenues. He came up empty.
2. What is going to happen if someone new comes and bails him out? That is not your problem.
B. He needed rescuing because there was a severe famine in the land.
1. With no reserves, would this be a situation about which you would worry? Read Chapter 4 of Philippians and study how to find victory over worry.
2. What if the person ends up in an empty room with nothing but sickness?
3. Isn’t it non-Christian to do nothing?
4. Actually, the “strongest” thing to do is wait upon the Lord and wait to see if the person wants his/her freedom bad enough to do something about it him/her self.
C. Rescuing someone often indicates that they usually live in a state of constant crisis or what they would label “danger”.
1. Everything is a crucial blow to them. They have never learned to adapt.
2. That crisis will affect you. You will allow yourself to be up and down, based on that person’s “safety”.
D. Are there times when we should “interfere” or “rescue”?
1. Obviously, if the person needs medical assistance and is in danger of physically abusing his/her self or others, you may have to bring others in.
2. It may be wise to connect them with a support system. Do not connect them back to yourself, though.
E. The “rescuee” is a person who knows that someone, somewhere will take over.
1. He/she will be able to enjoy their sins, but YOU will do the work. They will let you pull them out of a situation but that doesn’t mean behavior changes. There is a difference.
2. They are usually lazy individuals who put all their effort into getting “in” trouble, never “out” of it.
3. They change enough only to get rid of the immediate guilt; they do not do enough to change the problem, though.
F. Suppose you get the “itch” to rescue?
1. If financially . . .
a. “You don’t understand; he’ll goof it up. Only I can help.”
b. “I can give him/her a good start.” What direction would that take?
c. “Someone HAS to believe in them.” Be realistic about them, but have faith and belief in God.
d. “I just keep doing it, I can’t stop.” Is it a habitual dependency for you?
2. Person knows how to influence you:
a. “You’re the ONLY one I can trust.”
b. “You’re not like the others.”
c. “You DON”T have to if you don’t want to.”
d. “I’ll pay it back LATER.” Tomorrow, later and never are synonymous here.
e. “I GUESS I could find someone else SOMEWHERE.” They will.
f. Never allow yourself to do something that is against your principles.
1. If someone is prodding you to do so, they do not love you.
2. They love only themselves, at least at that point.
3. You will be denying yourself and possibly God’s Word.
3. Stand up to them and tell them the truth – John 15: 22.
4. Look objectively – You are only one person in a long line of “people”.
5. Get ready to cease being their favorite person. Are you ready for them to despise you, possibly? Can you accept negative feelings against you?
6. Refuse to be a part of their game; they are winning and you are losing.
7. Remember this:
a. You will be used and reused financially, emotionally, spiritually.
b. They continue in the same behavior because their life-style is “fed” through adequate money, personal sympathy or whatever.
c. This will keep the relationship dependent.
d. You are investing financially in something that will warrant no decent return; therefore, with a financial part of you in them, it is not as easy for you to with-draw. Be discerning with money and emotional involvement.
8. Ask yourself this question: “What is the longest period you have not helped financially, with housing, food, shelter, whatever. Over the long term, have they gotten better?” Ask a trusted friend to help you see this truthfully.
G. Upon what are your feelings based?
1. Are you helping them because you feel guilty?
2. Are you giving in because they make you feel bad or guilty?
3. Are you convinced that you are their last resort? God is, really.
4. Is it based on the leading of the Lord? If so, you will have a peace, confidence and the ability to endure. How are you holding out?
H. Pray this prayer:
“Heavenly Father, here I am again, feeling the need to get involved, or maybe I haven’t withdrawn yet. In either case, let me be led by my faith in You and not by my feelings towards this person, good or bad. Help me to remember that the “blind cannot lead the blind” . . . and that You are the only Light in my life. I choose to look to You. Very seriously, Lord, am I leading this person to You, or are they leading me away from You? Because of them, I am losing trust in others and I cannot let that happen. I don’t know what to do for them any more, and I am not even sure if I am doing what is right for myself. Use Your Words to give me direction (Hebrews 4:12) and I will look to You for what You want to share with me. In this person’s life, I do not want to overshadow the cross. I will decrease in their life so you can increase. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
I. Read John 3: 22-30 about John’s latter life. He had to get out of the way for followers to see Jesus. Can you let this person go?
J. For special study, go through Genesis chapters 37, 39 through 47 about Joseph’s life. When was he able to really be a blessing to his family? Did Joseph wait to see an actual change in his bothers’ attitudes? Surely Joseph learned a lot. Can you?
VI. Natural conclusions so far.
A. It seems imperative that the son is out of the physical environment of the father’s care, at least, in this case. Proverbs 13:25.
1. He might have caused trouble – Proverbs 11: 29.
2. Could no longer use family as excuse for happenings.
B. There is always someone, somewhere who will take over for you.
1. Let them find the person. You must close your “coffers” first, though.
2. Son had attached himself to new people in the new area until the famine came. Then his “friends” left.
a. True friends remain after the “famines” occur. Proverbs 18: 24; 19: 6-7.
b. After finding he had nothing left, where was he welcome?
1. Father was waiting for him.
2. (Father must have been concerned for him but his concern did not allow him to play the son’s game.)
c. Inwardly, we must keep open doors and hearts for people when they do sincerely change.
C. You are not an outsider looking in on this sullen situation.
1. You have become part of its existence; it has thrived because of you.
2. If you are still trying to “fix” the person, you need to look at home.
3. You can only truly take care of your own responsibilities; let the other person do so with theirs.
D. Pray this prayer:
“Heavenly Father, it seems so inappropriate to let this person go after I spent so much time trying to help them. Help me not to make the mistake of looking at them through a futuristic tone. Let me see them as they really are, a user of some sort who needs a supplier. Lord, You said You would supply all my needs, so I am asking You to supply this person with what they really need, a dose of reality. The prodigal came to his senses, to his reality. You are the same God. Work in this individual and keep reminding me that I need to consider my life with You as well. How have I been affected by this? Am I intimidated by this person? God, help me at this time when it would be easier to give in again and continue to treat them the same old way. I am a new person in Christ and I will and I will endeavor to treat people the way Jesus would for He lives in me. I think I am ready to let You take control of this problem. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
E. Read Proverbs 16: 20; 23: 9; 21: 22.
F. Submit your control to God. Trust God enough to leave it with Him. You are not abandoning an unwanted “baby” of a person. You are submitting that person to the greatest supplier of all. Love the person enough to let him or her go.
VII. Prepare your mind: Get ahold of your own life.
A. Only a “trio” can change a situation.
1. “You”. Again, you are not an observer. You are actively participating.
2. “Him/Her”. “The user” needs to be confronted or cut off. Either will expedite the matter.
3. “God”. He is interested in our relationships and experiences.
B. How do I prepare my mind to deal with this?
1. Realize that God is bigger than the problem. Read Jeremiah 32: 16-20.
2. Know that the sooner I take my hands off the situation, the sooner God can take over.
3. Seek the Lord as to how this occurred. What is in your personality that needs this abuse?
4. Know that we must deal with reality as it is, with things the way they really are, not with things the way we want them to be. Idealism versus realism.
5. Be aware that the son did not come because of the father’s interference, but because the father allowed the son to live the way he wanted to.
6. Did reality set upon the son because he had been in total obedience to God or because he did everything “right”? He probably fulfilled every fear his father had.
a. Can you face your fears regarding the possible outcome of this person’s behavior if you “let them go” to the circumstances of their lifestyle?
b. Can you be convinced that it is not your fault but the person’s own responsibility?
c. Remember that approximately 85% of a person’s worries never materialize. Don’t waste time worrying. Spend the time praying and trusting God.
d. Read 2 Timothy 1: 7.
e. Reasons for reality:
1. The son came into reality because of his own crisis, despair.
2. It was not because of lectures, statistics, threats, whatever. (Proverbs 9: 7-8).
3. He started thinking for himself and was not allowing others to think for him. He realized his own state, and that he had it better before. God gave us all a mind to think with; let Him probe their thinking, as well as yours.
4. No, “I told you so’s”.
f. Is it hard to ascertain that this person may have a better chance if we are not involved anymore? Or at least, not at this time?
g. Who has done the most in this relationship? You may be holding on and keeping God from doing the real work needed. Are you ready to see them fail, fall apart on their own? Can you separate yourself from it?
C. What are my reasons for holding on? Need to know before you let go.
1. “But I really love this person.” Or are you sure it isn’t fear you are feeling?
a. True love allows for a freedom; fear keeps things in bondage, dependency.
b. Love deals in reality, sees things as they are and accepts them. Fear allows self to be manipulated.
c. Read the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 and put your name where the “charity” or “love” word is. Add, in your mind, the person’s name as the recipient of your love (example: I, Mary, seek not my own, but I seek the best for Sam.).
2. “I have faith for this person, you don’t.”
a. First of all, our faith should not reside in people, but in the Lord. Psalm 118: 8.
b. If we fail, or if this other person fails, God is still faithful. 2 Timothy 2: 13.
c. When the Scripture says, “If YOU have the faith of a mustard seed,” in Matthew 17: 20, it clearly states that each person must have their own faith. This person cannot rest on your faith alone. They must believe for themselves in order that the promises of God be found in their life.
d. John 8: 45 speaks of the people who believe not, because they simply do not like the message.
3. I really want this person saved. If I don’t help them, it will not happen.
a. Titus 3: 5 says that NO man’s works can save himself. That also means that our works cannot save anyone else either.
b. What is the greatest power in salvation? Prayer. That, you can do.
c. Who, do you think, wants this person saved more than you do? Of course, the provider of the policy: God Himself.
d. You are not their “bridge” to salvation; the cross is. Let the cross do its work.
e. You, at this point, may be what is keeping them from salvation.
D. Let go of your hold.
1. Again, are you ready to let them fall flat on their face?
2. Are you persuaded that you have done the most you can for this person?
3. Are you convinced that the Holy Spirit, who is the agent in salvation, can be working in this person at this very time?
4. Will you let go and let God do the rest? Hebrews 4: 10.
5. Can you see that it must be “them” that gives in? Philemon 14.
6. Get rid of the “instant replay” in your mind:
a. Do not dig up the past, either your mistakes or theirs.
b. Even though you will feel initial remorse and possibly guilt, you must go through with it. It is merely a withdrawal from a dependency. It will hurt and possibly be more magnified, but be patient.
c. You, in turn, are freed from this person’s responsibility and you are left to deal with your life, which you have possibly neglected.
E. Pray this prayer:
“Dear Father, I think I am ready to let this person go emotionally, physically and perhaps financially. I understand the implications of what might happen. He/she might be more messed up and blame me for it. They may hate me and make my life miserable. I know it is the best thing for me, though, and in the end, it is the best thing for them. No one can be an extension of me and I’ve carried this around too long. It’s gone too far. I let it go too far. Therefore, I ask Your help as I determine not to pay any bills, make any excuses, accept any blame and no matter if the person tries to manipulate my feelings or incites others to do the same, I will continue to stand firm. I will stand firm for God, for truth, for my mental health and for this person (name them). Thank you, Jesus, for setting a good example of “tough love” and I know You will help me stay strong even when I am weak. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
F. Read Proverbs 10:19.
G. Remember that if financial connections must be broken, get some help.
H. Be aware also that this might sever the relationship totally, at least for a length of time.
VIII. Filling the empty spot: “I need God.”
A. Serving this dependency will reveal an emptiness in you.
1. Your need to be needed may be unrealized in your life.
2. You may feel selfish, uncaring and feel “why help myself?”
B. Upon this severance, do not immediately find another person to help where you jump into it head first.
1. Make it a policy to help but not control. Get used to letting go.
2. You do not have to be involved in everyone’s life. Be involved in yours first, and prioritize your relationship to Christ.
C. “What can fill my needs?”
1. “You mean I have needs?” I have spent so much time absorbed in this other relationship, that I forgot that I, myself, have needs too.
2. I need to know that this dependency has depleted me of strength, hope and many positive emotions. It has probably accelerated the negative emotions, as well.
D. What is my emptiness?
1. Have I taken too much time with this person to the exclusion of other children, friends, activities, employment?
2. Do I feel worthless because I am not helping someone else? (Even Jesus took time to take care of His own relationship with His Father.)
3. I do not seem to have an outlet for myself. Find ones at this point that are not as emotionally draining.
E. How can I feel worthwhile again?
1. As a vessel in helping others, you have absorbed their dirt and filth and have taken little time to make sure you are cleaned, washed and restored.
2. Make sure you are clean from the residue of this dependency, so that you can sense God’s freedom in your life.
3. Let someone else be of assistance to you. Show your need to that someone else to give you strength. You will be more aware of the love of others.
4. Let go of all your emotions regarding this. Have a good cry. Talk to a trusted friend about how you really feel.
a. Cry for the hurt of the person you are separated from. They are still important to God and to you. Do not try to deny that.
b. Cry for God’s best in all concerned.
c. Cry in order to clear up your visual perspective. “Clean windshield.”
5. Realize that it is not a sin to be empty. It is a matter of usage only.
a. Helpers, carrying people often get used and end up empty.
b. This happens especially when the vessel is not replenished consistently.
6. Know that the most strong vessel needs maintenance.
a. You probably will always have a caring, helping character.
b. Do not try to be any different. Only be lead by God, not pushed by fear.
c. Protect yourself with a daily walk with Jesus and know His love for you personally.
d. Keep in mind that the vessel is not the source of the flow; it is only the channel through which it works.
e. Maintain a realistic view of yourself (Romans 12: 1-3) and a supernatural view of God.
f. Be aware in the gospel narratives of how Jesus kept Himself full while being drained by many persons. He was jealous over His own personal time.
7. Do not live your life vicariously through others.
a. Make sure you take time for your life with God. No one can do it for you.
b. You are not significant BECAUSE you help others. You help others because you are confident of God’s love and working in your life.
F. Finally, resolve these things in your mind . . . .
1. I am ultimately responsible for my life, attitudes, actions and behavior.
2. I am not responsible for this other person or anyone else in the sight of God.
3. I will not help others beyond their willingness to help themselves.
4. I will seek to live by the discernment of the Holy Spirit when I am involved in helping, so He can tell me if I am over involved. You will know because you will start feeling responsible for them, because you are frustrated, because YOU are not doing enough, or saying it right.
5. I am convinced that God wants ALL His prodigals home, but that He does not want to lose His faithful children in the process.
6. I know that God loves me and that He is my Father, too. He has enough strength to meet every need present (Philippians 4: 19).
7. Recall that even when you separate from the dependency, physically, there will be emotional entanglements. You can be “out” physically but not emotionally. “Remember Lot’s wife” – Luke 17: 32. Her heart was still in Sodom. She became “fixed” there. Do not turn back now. Go forward. The emotions will come under control later.
8. I will daily maintain my life with God through Scripture, prayer and daily devotions. This is not an option; it is imperative.
G. Pray this prayer:
“Dear Father, I feel as though I’m at the end, but I’m really at the beginning. The beginning of new experience. The beginning of a new perspective. The beginning of allowing God’s control in my life and in the lives of those I am concerned for. I will not quit caring about others, but help me, Lord, not to get buried in others. You died and buried everything at the cross. I will live in what You have already accomplished. Help me to seek the support of others as I get through this hard time. I thank You Lord for opening up my eyes to Your plan for me. I need You. I am empty. I am only satisfied in meeting other’s needs. Help me to wait upon you and serve You through worship, witness and any means. I love You, Lord. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
H. Read Psalm 42. There is a seeking, a yearning, a hunger. Do you see your hunger? Only He can satisfy you. Your hope comes not in the other person changing: it will only come as I become more like Jesus. “I will by the grace of God, never again allow any situation to question my life in God. I’m not always going to be leading everyone. I’m going to follow Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for giving me Yourself as the greatest example in dealing with people. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.”
IX. Ready for restoration: “We need the Lord.”
A. Though separation is present in the relationship at this time, keep an open heart for the future.
1. You cannot always keep the relationship distant (children by former spouse, co-worker, etc.).
2. May live with person or see occasionally.
3. After length of time, they may come back into life to try to pick up where they left off.
4. They may not resurface for a long time. Seek God’s approach in living anyway.
B. Keep realistic approach.
1. Get rid of fairy tale ideals.
a. “It will be better now.”
b. No it won’t unless you both work at it.
c. Don’t proceed without an evidence of change in them and you.
2. You built the relationship on rocky places before. Do not make the same mistake again.
C. Re-plotting soil – you formerly were:
1. Built on moods – drug induced and emotional roller coaster; foundation falters when soil became bad. The house will crumble if foundation is built on hatred, unforgiveness, fear, etc., instead of Christ.
2. Built on “getting away from someone”, instead of building on good soil and positive purpose; “drawing near to God.”
3. Must re-dig soil and get rid of bad attitudes.
4. Read Matthew 5 and answer these questions.
a. What is your expectation of this relationship?
b. Ask other person what they expect of you?
c. Be realistic about timing. Give yourself and other person time to adjust to new standard of living. Be aware of that process.
D. Do make forgiveness a daily part of diet.
1. Whether present or not, do not let that person’s memory be a thorn in your side at this time.
2. Read Hebrews 12: 15 – protect yourself.
3. Forgiveness means to treat them as if nothing ever happened. That’s what God does for us. Read 2 Corinthians 2: 1-11.
E. Remember that scarring is a part of healing. It reminds us of a former wound.
1. There will be remembrances of old life.
2. Do not keep them alive, though.
3. We reap the old life to a degree.
4. You may be reminded through excess bills, alimony, whatever, but let it be a matter of memory more than a matter of vengeance.
5. God can take the stinger out.
F. If the other person is trying to change, give a little space.
1. If you treat them the same way as before, they will react the same.
2. A new environment takes all involved persons to participate. Many former users get help and try to change only to go back to same home bickering, atmosphere, vendettas. They fall back into the same bad behavior and so do you. You are no different.
3. Provide a different attitude and see if it changes situations. Do not expect change overnight, though.
4. Remember how the Lord has changed you and how much patience He has had with you before you jump down the other’s throat. Read Luke 7: 40-50.
G. Must feel a freedom in relationship to challenge other person, so take it easy.
1. Don’t fall apart, especially if you are the former user.
2. Person needs to see your sincerity.
3. Do not change for people. Change for God.
4. Accept your own limitations, while embracing God’s unlimited power.
5. Challenges can be good. It can help us to see how strong we’ve become and it can tell us what we have yet to attain. Read Philippians 3: 12-17.
H. Don’t be afraid to draw closer.
1. Do it carefully, of course.
2. If you are afraid, it will keep you from drawing near to anyone, now or later.
3. This situation must be cleared in your heart and mind so you can go beyond it.
4. Face it frankly, fervently and faithfully.
5. With Christ in your life, you can face anything. (Philippians 4: 13).
I. Pray this prayer:
Oh no, Lord, here he/she is again. I don’t want to go through all that again so help me not treat this person the same way. I trust that I will be treated differently and so I can do no less for them. Open my eyes to see you in this situation and I know you will restore things. Keep us from “my rights versus your rights”. This should not be a tug of war, but we should be pulling on the same side towards righteousness. Help us both to look to Jesus. In Jesus Name. Amen.
J. Read the book of Philemon regarding Paul’s intercession between these two persons. Jesus is interceding for you right now. Paul asks Philemon to treat the other man differently. What is Jesus asking you to do right now?
X. Back to basics – God needs us. God wants us.
A. A circle, by its very nature comes back to its origin.
1. Shows us that its direction is limited, ordered.
2. Comes back to its source.
B. So all relationships should come back to God.
1. We cannot say that this is a situation that is our only concern.
2. God is concerned about all of our relationships.
C. Man was created to have fellowship with God.
1. That is the beginning of the circle.
2. The line continues through sin and the separation of God’s relationship with Adam and Eve.
3. The line continues to effect the family (Cain and Abel) and so on.
4. Calvary told mankind that God wasn’t sore at them. He loves mankind.
5. The real relationship needing restoration is our relationship with God. Must be our priority.
6. If that is taken care of, relationships with others can be restored, as well. Read 1 John 1: 1-10.
7. If you are not right with God consider the following:
a. Have you committed your life to Him?
b. Are you willing to follow Him by reading His Word, praying, attending church, and so forth? Ephesians 1: 13-14.
c. Have you invited Jesus Christ into your life so He can give you real life? Read Romans 10: 9-10.
D. God not only wants a relationship with you, but also with that other person as well.
1. Try to see the situation as a whole.
2. Up to now, you have only seen the small part you play.
3. God wants to be a “big” part of your life. Let Him into your relationships.
E. Close all grievances and broken places in your life.
1. Imagine a boat tied up to the dock in various places. The person in the boat wants to proceed forward and takes out the oars and strokes and stokes, but to no avail. He suddenly realizes that he is tied up to the dock. He must unloose the ropes.
2. You may have a number of “ropes” holding you back. Here are some:
Memories, Fears, Guilt, Embarrassment
Take ahold of God’s hand and let these go, once and for all.
3. This will lead you to your source and there will be no quicksand.
4. Who or what can give you the power to do right? He is the great reconciler. Colossians 1: 20.
5. The purpose of dealing with the relationship is not to prove you are right or the other person is wrong. It merely proves that sin separates relationships. Calvary binds us together. The vertical part of the cross unites us with God; the horizontal piece unites us with mankind.
F. Do not continue in circles. Give the Lord Jesus Christ control over your relationship. Do it His way. You will be complete.
G. Is God Himself a rescuer?
1. Read Psalm 106 all the way through.
2. Look carefully at the times Israel purposely forsook God’s way and how many times God delivered them.
3. Can this be construed that God is rescuing them over and over again?
4. Consider this:
a) God did give them chances to change.
b) God’s motive was never through guilt or sympathy. It was “for His Name’s sake”, and because He loved them.
c) He did not shield them from the results of their disobedience.
d) Ultimately, He gave them their choice and many times in Scripture God let go and He let them make their own mistakes. Balaam (Numbers 22), King Saul, etc.
e) Just as in the story of Noah’s ark, God said, “His Spirit would not always strive with man.” God has a limit when allowing man to be selfish and determined in living.
f) Today is the day to accept His helping hand; for He equally has a right to let you go if you continually reject His Word.
5. In the final analysis you have done as much as you can do for this other person.
6. It is time for you to take your control off this person and submit them to the God who knows what they need, for He knows their heart.
H. Pray this prayer:
“Dear Father, this relationship is not an end in itself. It can be, if I make it that way. It can also be an open door revealing new ways to trust You, Lord. It can be an avenue of realizing that lie is complicated and that it becomes more complicated when I try to change things myself. The circle of my life, family and friends was never meant to keep me on the outside and if this breakage reminds me that You belong in every part of my life, then I submit to Your Lordship. I go back to the beginning and say, “I need you, Lord”. The long road reminds me that You are “the way, the truth, and the life” and I must widen my support system to include You and then narrow it when others get in my way. I love you, Lord, and thank you for showing me that everyone needs the Lord. In Jesus Name. Amen.”
I. Read James 1: 1-12, Colossians 2: 10.
Copyright 1992 Public Catalog
Author – Reverend Jean Halvorson
Pastor, Majesty Tabernacle, Minneapolis, MN
Title: Help Me, Lord, I Cannot Hold On Any Longer
TXu000546385 / 1992-11-16