My most specific memory of Thanksgiving as a child is that of two tables that were pushed together so we could all be together. I sat at the small table, where the drop off occurred and thought that I couldn’t wait to get to the big people’s table, thinking, naturally that they were more valued. The problem with that line of thought, I realized years later, is that for me to find a place at the big table, someone had to be gone. That person was my mother.
I’d like to briefly highlight some moments in the passage of my mother’s illness and death, and within it, spell out the word THANKS, because God has given me answers in the darkness and I am very thankful for His keeping power.
I think the first moment preceded even my conversion to Christ. It was a Saturday and I was in my bedroom, which was directly above the dining room. In my room was a floor vent, which was far more effective than today’s intercom system. That day I heard my mother yell this out to my dad: “I bleed every day”. Suddenly, I was motionless and my blood ran cold. I froze, because even though mom would have her rants, I knew I hadn’t heard that one before. So, I suppressed that thought, and removed it from my mind. I would like to spell out THANKS:
LESSON # 1 is T = TRUTH. Don’t live on the river denial; you’ll only go down stream from there.
I removed the thought, but not the dread and it rattled my spirit.
One evening in late March 1972, I was sitting on the floor of our living room, when mom came over to me. She had been uncharacteristically sleeping a lot of late and said: “Look at my ankles”. I looked down and they were gigantic – like water pooling at her feet. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I knew to be scared. So, I looked up at her and saw a terror I’ve never seen before or since. Here she was – the physical source of my life, the one I was to go to, and she was basically saying “What do I do?” I was 15 years old and a Christian of only six months. So, I guess I thought I was helping her or something when I saw her fear and grabbed on to it.
LESSON # 2 is H = HELP – Help, but don’t hurt yourself.
My taking her fear didn’t help her and it only hurt me. Never take someone’s fear, anger, or guilt as your own. Do not own what is not yours; instead, cast it at Jesus’ feet. He knows what to do with it. You’ll know if you’ve taken something that is not yours; repentance, and personal reflection won’t help. It must be rejected, not conversed with.
Then the next day, Monday, as dad was getting ready to take mom to the doctor, she walked toward the back door of the house and proceeded to gently caress the kitchen door frame as she said: “goodbye house”. There was no goodbye for me or my siblings; she was so afraid of death that she had no tools to help us live on. I think the genesis of that was when she was 8 years old and one of her older sisters had diphtheria and the traveling doctor gave her the wrong medicine and she died. Those were the days when they laid the deceased in the home parlor for three days and my mom probably just stayed by her side and it seared her soul.
LESSON # 3 is A = ATTACH – Attach to people, not things.
Grief or pain can cause people to be tender to inanimate objects more than to real people; it can form the soil for addictions, and even sometimes being more real to friends/others than family, because family relationships have a responsibility that is inbred. The frame of the door was something she could feel but it couldn’t touch her back. This is probably why for a number of years especially, I had a terrible time with goodbyes. I couldn’t accept that “bye” was “good” at all.
In the nine days she spent in the hospital, she hatched a plan with my dad to tell us that the doctors said she’d be o.k. I was a new believer, so initially I thought our prayers had been answered, but when she died, I developed a distrust for doctors, until I realized that it was her lie, not theirs. How did that affect me? I started believing bad news over good news, because for the most important news of my young life, good news was not substantiated.
LESSON # 4 is N = NEED REALITY.
Lies have a long shelf life and have extensive rippling effects. Did I forgive my mom? Yes, ultimately, because that would be an anchor to my soul and I would have kept the lie alive forever by refusing to release it. Unforgiveness damages the vessel, and as a growing Christian, I didn’t want anything in the way of my walk in Christ. As hard as reality can be, I’m thankful God can show us truth within His arms of grace.
On the night that turned out to be the evening of her death, I was talking to a friend on the phone. I remember saying: “Rita, something is going to happen tonight that will change my life”. She asked what it was and I didn’t know. Did I think it was my mother dying? No, because of the denial, lies, and the grip of terror, my mind refused to submit to such an idea. Yet my spirit was being prepared.
LESSON # 5 is K = Knowledge from the Spirit.
I learned that even my denial and lack of acceptance didn’t diminish the availability of the power of the Spirit of God. He is not hampered by our limitations, mentally or otherwise. An additional conversation took place a few days after mom died. My dad, who was in total despair, said to me: “Well, you prayed and it didn’t work”. Boy, did God protect my spirit and prayer life in that moment. The enemy wanted to torpedo my prayer life in its infancy, but God had other plans. I just sat there and God impressed this answer on me: “Dad, if she would have lived, you would have said that we don’t need God. It isn’t God’s fault that she refused to go to the doctors, and it isn’t your fault either.” He never said that to me again. God can prepare us and help us to know something in the dark that we would have never understood in the light.
LESSON # 6 is S = Seeing God in the circumstances.
Finally, there was one particular thing that haunted me for years concerning her death: she died alone. Now when I was a kid it always bothered me that when we went to school and I turned around to say “goodbye”, she was alone. She was probably thrilled to get rid of us, but I didn’t see it that way. When the hospital called the first time to tell us to come quickly, my sister answered the phone. She went to get dad, but they did not stay on the line nor had they told her who was calling or why. The hospital called a second time, one hour later, to say she was dying and to get down there quickly. Dad and my older sister and brother flew through the lights and missed her by five minutes. She was still warm. Those five minutes became a moment that lasted forever.
Some ten or fifteen years ago, I was talking to the Lord about this and I said very emphatically: “But she died alone”, and God quieted me and basically said: “What am I?”
I said, “I don’t mean to convey that You weren’t there Lord, but I didn’t get a chance to be with her then.” God was quite specific and said: “She didn’t need you then; she needed Me.” It made sense. My mother was so wracked with fear to the extent that a note in the autopsy report said: “She lost the will to live”. Who else but the Prince of Peace could calm her and woo her into His arms? I couldn’t get beneath the fear to bring faith.
Now in hindsight I can honestly say that more important than my need to say goodbye was her need to hear Christ say “hello”. That superseded my need. I know some day when we’re in the presence of the Lord, I’ll be at the adult table with my mom. The table will be level, for our broken sin was welded together by the blood of Christ. The Center Piece is the Lamb of God and no one will leave the fellowship of the Table.
Truly I give thanks for the Truth, Help, Attachments, Need for reality, Knowledge in the Spirit, and Seeing God in the circumstances of my young Christian life.